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12月15日 Funny SignsI found this webpage while just browsing around, and thought I'd share a little bit of it with you. (The captions are taken from the website.)
 ...In a city in a country on a planet.
Gee, can you be a little more specific?  Looks like they need a little help themselves...
 Who needs to clone humans when we already have inbreeding?
 Ever wonder what happened to Bill & Ted
after their most excellent adventure?  They also serve rocky mountain oysters.
 Located next to Laydown and Relax Funeral Parlor.
 Make up your mind, will ya?
 That's always pleasant.
 Adjacent to the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
 Where the series was shot.
 I'll bet you do!
 Extra points for old ladies carrying grocery bags.
 Be mindful of that 1/2 Mph! 12月12日 High School Dropouts Cut In HalfUntintentionally Funny
(Genuine) Newspaper
Headlines
Taken from This Book of More Perfectly Useless Information By Mitchell Symons
 COMPLAINTS ABOUT REFEREES GROWING UGLY
ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED
PHYSICIST RECOMMENDS BIGGER BALLS TO SLOW DOWN MALE TENNIS PLAYERS
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
PUPILS TRAIN AS COUNSELORS TO HELP UPSET CLASSMATES
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE: JURY HUNG
PANDA MATING FAILS--VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
TWO SISTERS REUNITE AFTER EIGHTEEN YEARS AT CHECK-OUT COUNTER
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
 BOYS WANTS TO MOUNT AUTOGRAPHED GUITAR
BODY FOUND ON BOAT SEIZED BY BAILIFFS AND DUE TO BE AUCTIONED
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
TYPOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
ARAFAT SWEARS IN CABINET
BANGKOK LAUNCHES ANTI-BUTT CAMPAIGN
NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION
MARCH PLANNED FOR NEXT AUGUST
NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD
TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST
JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER
WOMAN ATTACKED BY TRAIN STATION
CHOPPER SEARCH FOR MAN IN UNDERPANTS
BRITON GORED BY BULL IN INTENSIVE CARE
BULGE IN TROUSERS WAS ECSTASY
CARIBBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
GOLFERS WARNED NOT TO LICK BALLS
DRUGS FINE FOR BUSINESSMAN
COPS QUIZ VICTIM IN FATAL SHOOTING
SEX SCANDAL VICAR SEEKS NEW POSITION
CIRCUMCISION NOW SEEN AS POINTLESS
DOWN UNDER LOVE FOR PRINCESS ANNE'S DAUGHTER
BLIND BISHOP APPOINTED TO SEE
EU MUST UNITE ON DRUGS
GIANT TEA BAGS PROTEST
POLICE CHIEF'S PLEDGE TO MURDER WITNESSES
MOST SURGEONS FACE CUTS
MAD COW TALKS 12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH
STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
DAD WANTS BABY LEFT IN AIRPLANE
MALE NATURIST MEMBERS RISE
CUTS COULD HURT ANIMALS
CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY
PUBLIC SWINGS IN FAVOR OF THE PRINCE
HALF MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL
IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP SERVICE WIDOWS
L.A. VOTERS APPROVE URBAN RENEWAL BY LANDSLIDE
LESOTHO WOMEN MAKE GREAT CARPETS
MAN WITH ONE ARM AND LEG CHEATS ON OTHER HALF
MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES
GUNMAN SHOT BY 999 COPS
PROSTITUTES TO HOLD OPEN DAY
SUBSTITUTE TEACHERS SEEKING RESPECT
NIGHT SCHOOL TO HEAR PEST TALK
HOME SECRETARY TO ACT ON VIDEO NASTIES
DIET OF PREMUTURE BABIES "AFFECTS IQ"
SEX UP AND DOWN AFTER SEPTEMBER 11
LARGEST AMOUNT OF CANNABIS EVER SEIZED IN JOINT OPERATION
STRAWS PLEDGE TO RAPE VICTIMS
 10月26日 Surely not, no..... Unintentionally Funny (Actual) Newspaper Headlines
(Alright, just take a deep breath, read each one slowly, and hold on for the ride of your life! * heh heh*)
CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND-SCIENTISTS
LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE
MAN FOUND BEATEN, ROBBEB BY POLICE
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
 TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY
SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
THUGS EAT, THEN ROB PROPRIETOR
CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME FOR PROSTITUTION
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AXE
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE
DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE
WHY YOU WANT SEX CHANGES WITH AGE
AMERICA SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA
NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABIES
BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS
KICKING BABY CONSIDERED TO BE HEALTHY
DEADLINE PASSES FOR STRIKING POLICE
BOYS CAUSE AS MANY PREGNANCIES AS GIRLS
SUDDEN RUSH TO HELP PEOPLE OUT OF WORK
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
CEMETARY ALLOWS PEOPLE TO BE BURIED BY THEIR PETS
ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DEMONSTRATE WARES AT STORE
ALEXANDER HOPING PAST IS BEHIND HIM
FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS
HALF OF ALL CHILDREN TESTED SCORED BELOW AVERAGE
LIVING TOGETHER LINKED TO DIVORCE
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
DENTIST RECIEVES PLAQUE
MAN ROBS, THEN KILLS HIMSELF
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
POLICE SEARCH FOR WITNESSES TO ASSAULT
Pink insulation is not the same as cotton candy.  Actual label instructions on consumer goods
from around the globe.
 "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
--On a helment-mounted mirror used by cyclists
"Keep out of children."
--On a Korean kitchen knife
"Do not use for drying pets."
--In the manual for for a microwave oven
"For use by trained personnel only."
--On a can of air freshener
"Do not use intimately."
--On a tube of deodorant
"Warning: never iron clothes on the body."
--On an Australian iron
"Caution: the contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish."
--On a bottle of shampoo for dogs
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
--Ona toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor,
Michigan
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice."
--On a box of rat poison
"Caution: remove infant before folding for storage."
--On a portable stroller
"Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly."
--On a child-size Superman costume
"Warning: may contain nuts."
--On a package of peanuts
"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat."
--On the packaging for a muffin
"Caution: you must remove clothes before washing."
--In a washing machine manual
"Not to be used in as protection from a tornado."
--On a blanket from Taiwan
 10月25日 It's a sign!
Real Funny: Actual signs found in America
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot" --On a dry cleaners in New Mexico
"Mental Health Prevention Center" --On a medical building in New York
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church" --On a convalescent home in New York
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law- Sisters of Mercy" --On the walls of a Baltimore Estate
"We buy junk and sell antiques" --Outside a country shop in New England
"Will the last person to leave please see that perpetual light is extinguished" --In a New England church
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable" --On a highway sign in Tennessee
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship" --On a shop's wall in Maine
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?" --In the window of a general store in Oregon
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car" --In front of a car wash in New Hampshire
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help" --On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Drop your pants here and you will recieve prompt attention." --On a dry cleaning store in Pennsylvania
"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." --On an outside sign at a summer camp
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid" --In a hotel room
"Push, push, push" --On a maternity room door
"Ask about our plans for owning your home" --In a loan company office
"Seeking a sign from God? THIS IS IT!" --On a sign in Las Vegas
"Best place to take a leak" --On a radiater repair garage
"No stopping or standing" --On a bus stop
"Our best is none too good" --On the wall of a delicatessen
"We are open on Labor Day" --On a maternity closthes shop
"Eat here and get gas" --On a roadside truck stop and fuel station sign in Indiana
"Be back in five minutes, Sit! Stay!" --In a veterinarian's waiting room
"Eat at Pow Pow's and get gas." --Sign for a small cafe/gas station near the California/Nevada border. (Thank you to a visitor for this one
Extra Extra   
     Extra! Extra! Real headlines published in US newspapers and magazines.
INFERTILITY UNLIKELY TO BE PASSED ON
--MONTGOMERY ADVERTISER
'LIGHT' MEALS ARE LOWER IN FAT, CALORIES
--HUNTINGTON HERALD-DISPATCH
JOINT COMMITTEE INVESTIGATES MARIJUANA USE
--A LOCAL NEWSPAPER IN SUBURB OF TORONTO
TIGER WOODS PLAYS WITH HIS OWN BALLS, NIKE SAYS
--AP WIRE
MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE
--THE MIAMI HERALD
ECONOMIST USES THEORY TO EXPLAIN ECONOMY
--COLLINSVILLE HERALD-JOURNAL
COURT RULES BOXER SHORTS ARE INDEED UNDERWEAR
--JOURNAL OF COMMERCE
BODY SEARCH REVEALS $4000 IN CRACK
--JACKSON CITIZEN-PATRIOT, MICHIGAN
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
--PROVIDENCE JOURNAL
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
--THE ANCHORAGE, ALASKA TIMES
SADNESS NO. 1 REASON MEN AND WOMEN CRY
--OMAHA WORLD HERALD
STUDY FINDS SEX, PREGNANCY LINK
--CORNELL DAILY SUN
10月24日 Accident Reports Real Excerpts From
Auto-Accident
Insurance Claim Forms
 "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.""Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.""No one is to blame for the accident, but it never would of happened if the other driver had been alert.""The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.""I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.""I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.""I had been shopping for plants all day was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.""To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.""When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.""In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.""As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.""The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.""An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.""I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." Killer MakeupKiller Makeup,
And Other
Fashion Trends
(taken from Bob Fenster's "Well, Duh!
Our Stupid World, and Welcome to It.)
  "In 1797 the English haberdasher John Hetherington invented the top hat. First time he wore his creation on the streets of London, he caused a riot. He was fined by the police for wearing a 'tall structure calculated to frighten timid people.' " "Their clothes shocked their parents. Church authorities condemned the fashion as obscene, particularly their tight stockings that revealed in public the intimate contours of their legs and buttocks. Of course, we're talking about teenagers of the fourteenth century in Venice-and the shocking stockings were worn by boys, not girls.""Hetty Green, known as the Witch of Wall Street, came from a wealthy family but was raised in secondhand clothes because they were cheaper. Hetty increased the Green fortune with astute investments in the 1800's but was even tighter with a dime than the rest of her family.
She kept a considerable part of her fortune stuffed into a petticoat sewn with many hidden pockets, which she washed herself everynight wore again every day.
Even though she made millions in a time when a million dollars meant something, she wore fisherman's boots because they were cheap and long-lasting."
 "Makeup can kill. In ancient Greece, women at the height of fashion applied a white powder to their faces to make themselves more attractive. But the powder contained a heavy dose of lead, which poisoned and killed many of the temporarily attractive women who used it.""In the late 1800's a fashion for the natural look spread throughout Europe. Women abandoned all their cosmetics. A French fashion magazine celebrated the new freedom from makeup, declaring: ' It hardly seems likely that a time will ever come again in which rouge and lip paint will be employed.'
Half of histor is the occurrence of that which at one time 'hardly seems likely.' "
"Buttons of gold and silver became a trend among French royalty in the sixteenth century. King Francis I paraded through court in a velvet outfit adorned with 13,000 gold buttons. Francis had to be a strong king because that's roughly a hundred pounds of buttons.""During Queen Elizabeth's reign in England, the goverment passed a law that people must wear hats. Another attempt by the fashion police to legislate styles? Not this time. That law was enacted to stimulate business for felt manufacturers, who had fallen on hard times.""The world's first dry cleaners opened in Paris in 1855. First, the cleaner would completely unstitch your clothes. Then he soaked everything in turpentine and oil. Then sewed all your clothes back together again. Or you could just have the silly thing washed."
"In the 1800's, a gentleman was expected to know all thirty-two different ways to knot a tie. No wonder people lived at a slower pace. They dedicated all their free time to their ties."
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