| Ambs 的个人资料The Lunatic Cafe照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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8月10日 That's Not Brand
Whoo Hoo!! So I started a new job, finally after over a year of unemployment. It took me a while to get here, but I'm proud to say that I did it. How's it going you ask??? Well, it's ok so far. I probably started at one of the worst times, not including Christmas, as this past weekened was tax free. Eeesh what a freakin nightmare!! Sunday, I don't even really wanna talk about Sunday, but alas I will.... Sunday was my first day all on my little lonesome, without the guidance of my trainer. Eeek, it was truly my own personal nightmare. I was probably given one of the hardest zones in the store that day-Boys and Girls. Tax free weekened and back to school sales = Me Losing My Freakin Mind.... The entire day I felt completley overwhelmed, frenzied, frustuated, angry, and at the edge of breaking down. By 11:30, I was seriously ready to quit, or fall down in a pile of fried nerves and tears. Alas everything worked out in the end, and I managed to make it through my first single day at Target. Here's hoping the days to come will be better.... 2月22日 Tag! Your It!Ok, so Manda tagged me. Now I have to confess to 5 strange habits, and tag 5 other unsuspecting "victims"
 Now I will say that I do suffer from OCD, and so almost all my strange habits are born out of this.
1. I make strange clicking noises with tongue. Mostly when I'm either by myself, or with my family.
2. I have to rinse my mouth out a total of 4 times when I brush my teeth.
3. I never tell my parents goodbye. I always say love you.
4. I use ketchup on almost everything I eat.
5. I often drift off into discussion with myself anytime I read, see, or hear something that peaks my interest. (Yes these little conversations can last for up to an hour at least. No, I'm not entirely convinced yet that I'm completely bonkers.
 ) 2月17日 Must stop reading things that confuse me late at night.....
Alright so last night makes two nights in a row that I've read something that either confuses me/makes me think too much. Two nights ago, I stayed up late reading a story that involved time shifts-and only the main character and a few others knew what was going on. It made me think of the movie Dark City actually. Well no surprise my mind got way too sucked in, and when I'd stopped reading my mind was all of flutter with thoughts and feelings. So I course was up even later trying to calm my thoughts down.....Gah I hate it when you can't turn your mind off!
Last night I stayed up way too late reading synopsises (is that a word??) for the show Neon Evangelion Genesis. I saw one of the episodes on Adult Swim, and of course I was lost, so I got online to try and figure out what the heck was going on. I managed to read the complete synopsis for the entire show, but alas was left more confused than ever. So of course, once again, when I went to bed my mind wouldn't shut up, and I was left trying to fall asleep. I now know that my only hope concerning the show, is that I must find it and rent it....Or forever be left confused and wondering about what the heck the show is about. *sigh*
Sooo in closing this very random rant of mine....I just wanted to say that I have a hard enough time falling asleep at night. I must really stop reading things that only cause me to stay up later, lost in thought about what I just read. 1月2日 End of a year and resolutions
Well New Years has come and gone. The parties and celebrations are over, and it's time to go back to our proper lives. Personally, I'm pretty happy to see 2005 go. It wasn't the best year in my life, it was actually one of the hardest, and darkest, years of my life.
I found myself in the emergency room for the second time in a few months for cutting up one my wrists. Though, thankfully, this trip didn't land me in the psych ward again. I lost three close friends of mine, who all cut me out their lives for reasons I won't go into. A time when I needed friends the most I found myself alone, drowning in a sea of dispair and my life slipping away from me. I then was checked into a long term hospital at the beginning of April. I found myself far away from home, and desolate at the fact that I was in a "mental institute". After almost four long months it was time for me to leave the hospital, though I found myself wishing I could stay. I'd found a place where people understood what I was going through, and where I wasn't judge because I had a few "screws loose." I found myself on the road home, missing the place that had been safe haven, and unsure of the future. Actually being home was nothing like I imagined it would be. I again was pretty much friendless, and trying to adjust to being back in the real world. That adjusting has taken many months, and I still don't feel like I'm quite there yet. I also haven't been able to get a job because of my damn anxiety, and am still batteling my depression.
So, now it's a new year, and I can only hope that I can makes things better this year. Though I admit, I still feel so lost, powerless, and alone. So many demons are still clanging around in my head, tearing me in so many directions. It's hard to hope for a better future sometimes when your so lost in the fog, with no idea which direction to go. I suppose all I can really do is put my best foot forward, take a few risks, and try my best. So in the spirit of this, I've decided to actually make a few New Years Resolutions. I haven't actually done this in a long time so here goes:
1. Actually make an effort to excercise this year. 2. Make an actual attempt to quit smoking. 3. Start looking for reasons to like me for me, and not who I think I should be. 4. Actually work on believing those reasons. 5. Learn something new. 6. Work on my control issues (ie. not pushing people away before they have a chance to hurt me.) 7. Try to learn that I am more than my illness. 8. Remember to laugh.
Well there you have it. Good luck all those who made new year's resolutions, take care, and I'll talk to you all later.
12月4日 For My Grandmother   Today would of been my grandmother's birthday if she were still with us. She would of been 92. We all miss her and still love her very much. Happy Birthday Bopcha!! You were a remarkable woman and a wonderful mother/grandmother. I would count myself lucky to be even half the woman you were. Love you...
 To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
"We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the still small stirring within, the little whisper that says, 'Go. Ask. Reach out. Be an answer to someone's plea. You have a part to play. Have faith.' We can decide to risk that He is indeed there, watching, caring, cherishing us as we love and accept love. The world will be a better place for it. And wherever they are, the angels will dance."
12月1日 DisneylandOkay so it's been a little while since I said I would post. Sorry, I haven't been feeling so well these past few days, and haven't really been online at all.
The trip was soo much fun, but soo tiring. Walking as much as we did (which was alot, the parks are huge), and then riding all those rides really wears you down. I guess constantly having adrenaline pumping through you can really wear you out.
So we began our adventure on Monday at Disneyland. I'd almost forgotten how awsome that place is. It was of course really crowded, especially since it was a holiday. People everywhere!!! The first thing we rode was Pirates of the Caribbean. A favorite of my family. I think one of the coolest things that first day was just getting to watch my cousin Christina. She'd never been and it was so neat to watch her experience everything we did. We hit all the usual rides we love to go on (indiana jones adventure, big thunder, matterhorn, splash mountain, haunted mansion, and a few rides in fantasyland.
 ) All of us got soaked on splash mountain. (except my mom who didn't ride). Especially Christina because she was in the very front. Lol. It was great, cause we all couldn't stop laughing. The main disappointment was the haunted mansion. It was completely changed to be the Nightmare Before Christmas. I was soo sad. I loved that haunted mansion. It was seriously such an awsome ride. Oh well I guess. Everything else was basically just as I remembered. It was great, everyday we would leave fairly early to hit the parks and then would drag ourselves back in at night and basically collapse. We ended up with a really awsome balconey, and could see the fireworks display (for their 50th anniversary celebration). We would just go out there and watch them.
We also ended up going to Knott's Berry Farm. That was cool, because there was like no one there. You only had to wait like 5-10 minutes to get on a ride! Well this was a good thing and a bad thing. The bad part was that Christina and I rode 5 rollercoasters in the space of an hour. A little too much I think for the body to handle. When we met up with our family we both looked liked we might drop. I guess the combination of very big coasters and constant adrenaline within the space of a short time don't mix. heh heh. All Christina got out to my parents when they asked what we did was "we rode it twice.....!" My mom said we were punch drunk, but my cousin JD corrected her and said we were rollarcoaster drunk. Lol, I guess we were. It was a fun day, and yes we did end up going on another rollarcoaster towards the end of the day. We rode the big wooden one they have (which is absolutly huge!!!)
And now I end this little tale with the most awsome new ride we rode. The HOLLYWOOD TOWER OF TERROR!!!!! Oh my god that ride is soooo awsome. Christina and I rode it a total of six times. Ahh god I loved it. You enter into like a library and there's a tv that tells you the story of the tower of terror. Then you enter into a different area to wait to get on the "elevator." There's like three rows of seating in the actual ride. And basically it actually takes a little while to get to the actual drop, and it does a bit of story stuff. The best part!? It drops you like four times I think. You drop like twice, then it shoots you to the top, drops you again, shoots you up, then drops you again!! Very scary and soo much fun.
Well, I'm stop this rambling story here. In conclusion: awsome trip, ate lots, laughed a ton, and had a wonderful time.
Favorite rides on the trip:
Space Mountain
 , Big Thunder
 , Tower Of Terror
 , Pirates of the Caribbean
, Silver Bullet
, Excelorater ,Indiana Jones Adventure
 .11月10日 Why?? Why?? Why?? Balancing Act Those two words describe my life perfectly right now. I'm trying to find the right balance for me: something in between being completely reckless/self-destructive and completely reserved/overly cautious. My therapist said that I'm socially isolated right now, and he's completely right. I mean I get nervous just going out in the public and I'm scared to make friends because I have trust issues. After three friends dumped me, I don't really trust other people not to do the same thing. It really has more to do with my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness/unlovability (is this even a word??
 ). Let alone actually trying to like go on dates (my friend Kristin says I'm asexual right now... ) working, and actually anything having to do with interacting with people. I always just freeze up when I'm around someone I don't really know. Which makes me feel frustrated and "socially inept."Last night I had a session with my mom and my therapist. It was supposed to be a chance for me to talk to my mom about how she can be really mean when she gets angry and how that makes me fee. Instead I froze like a rabbit caught in the headlights. This caused me to actually break down emotionally when my mom left the session, and it was just me and my therapist. Breaking down was awful mainly because it was so unexpected. It's easier for me to deal with being an emotional wreck when it clearly was coming, but not when I seem to be generally holding it together. Eck, it was awful, I like cried for almost 20 minutes straight and could barely put my thoughts into words.
So the plan is now to make a list of the things that cause me anxiety going from 1 (least anxiety) to like a 5 (most anxiety), and I'm supposed to work up the ladder. Hopefully this method will work
 . Next week is another planned mother/daughter session. I'm trying not to focus on it right now, and just work on my little assignment. We'll see how it goes. Well, I'm going to end this little tale of woe here, cause I'm gonna start rambling soon- if I haven't already started doing that. Hope everyone is doing well and remembering to just sit back and have a good laugh every now and then.
 I know I'm trying to. Take care!!  "Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts will inevitably bring about right results."
-- James Lane Allen (1849-1923), "In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins--not through strength but by perseverance."
-- H. Jackson Brown "Begin today! No matter how feeble the light, let it shine as best it may. The world may need just that quality of light which you have." -- Henry C. Blinn 11月2日 All Alone?? Sometimes I'm reminded how lonely it can be being an only child. Right now I'm watching the show Related, and it's making me kind of sad. I know that being an only child has it's advantages. I'm mean does the word spoiled ring a bell. Yeah, I'll admit I am, but I truly appreciate everything my parents do for me. But sometimes, it's not so great. I mean I've never had someone there to give me advice, or to lend a shoulder, or even to fight with. I know that sounds strange, but family is always your family. Friends can come and go, but your family's always there.
I don't know....sometimes I wonder if I have brothers and sisters out there. I don't know my biological parents, or if they ever had any other children. So I could have someone out there who is related to me on a genetic level.
Just random stuff floating through my little brain. It's been a long week and that always puts me in the introspective, negative mood I'm in right now.
Well, I'm gonna head out now, but I will leave this entry on a more positive note.....
"I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around."
Jack Handy |
I mean, is it seriously so hard to just put something back where it belongs. I don't know how many items we had to return to their proper places. It's simple really people: Just put the item back where it belongs, don't just throw it anywhere!! Someone does have to pick up after you....On saturday we were there till after one in the morning just putting retail back in it's proper place. 
I mean honestly now, who gives the new kid on the block one the craziest sections to take care anyways!! The entire section was sooo trashed and I couldn't keep up with straightening things up, and putting back all of the merchandise that was moved around. Not wanting to be the one who kept everyone else there later, I was really wigging by the time the store closed. 
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