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2月22日 Quote: The Onion: America's Finest News Source
White House Had Prior Knowledge Of Cheney Threat
Aug. 2005 Briefing Warned, 'Cheney Determined To Shoot Old Man In Face'
Reports indicate that the White House had this photo of Cheney hunting senior citizens as early as 2001.
WASHINGTON, DC—Government documents declassified today reveal that President Bush was briefed last summer of "a substantial risk" that Vice President Dick Cheney would shoot an elderly male in the face sometime in the next several months.
In a Presidential Daily Briefing given to Bush in August 2005, the CIA warned that the vice president was a potent threat to the senior population at large, and in particular "possessed the capabilities and intentions to spray a senior citizen with projectiles fired from a shotgun or other weapon." A second brief identified the population at risk as those "between 70 and 80 years of age," and warned that the vice president posed the greatest threat to "seniors in close proximity to the vice president when he is armed."
The brief, which urged the White House to take "the most thorough possible precautions to disable this threat to the faces, necks, and chests of the nation's elderly," was issued a full six months before the events of Feb. 11.
The emergence of the document is causing many to question whether Bush and his staff adequately understood or appreciated the the risk posed by Cheney.
"To learn that the president's own people advised him in advance of the strong likelihood that Cheney might spray a helpless geriatric victim with bird shot, and still he did nothing, brings to light very serious concerns about this administration's Cheney-containment policies," said Victor Steinberg, director of the Froman Institute, a D.C.-based organization that monitors vice-presidential violence.
Further investigation revealed that reports of potential Cheney violence have surfaced since the early '90s, but were given higher priority in the Clinton Administration. In January 2001, outgoing Clinton Administration officials made specific warnings to Colin Powell, emphasizing the vice-presidential threat.
In a statement released Monday, White House press secretary Scott McClellan pointed to the number of times that random Cheney attacks have been prevented or stopped by the administration.
"The president routinely deals with any number of reports concerning the vice president's assaults on our nation's elderly, such as ear-biting, clubbing, or in one case, the hurtling of a photocopier," McClellan said. "In each case, the president has seen that appropriate steps are taken, whether that means close monitoring of the vice president, adjustments in his medication, or the removal of heavy equipment from his offices, to ensure the safety of those around him."
"We assure you that protecting senior citizens from vice-presidential shotgun blasts was, is, and will remain the highest priority of this administration," he added. 2月19日 
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Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
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Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
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Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
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Smile at someone who is hard to love.
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Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
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Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
Hey, Idiot! Chronicles of Human Stupidity by Leland Gregory
John Q. Idiot:
CSX railroad police watched as a thirty-year-old Nashville, Tennesse, man placed a twenty-foot ladder across two different train tracks and waited for a train to come along. The police removed the ladder before a calamity could happen and promptly arrested teh man. When asked why he had put the ladder across the tracks in the first place, the man explained that he had stolen the ladder and found it too cumbersome, so he put it on the tracks in hopes a train would come by and make two ten-foot ladders out of it. He was sentenced to six months in jail--or another way of looking at it is that he was sentenced to one-half of a one-year sentence.
An Elkhart, Indian, man has been charged with armed bank robbery, using a firearm during the course of a violent crime, and felony violations. The charges don't seem out the ordinary until you realize the man was the founder of the city's gun buy-back program, Drop Your Guns.
A forty-three-year-old man from Richmond, Virginia, was hospitalized after being blown off the top of a van traveling fifty miles per hour. Authorities said the man had been lying on top of the van holding down a bundle of wooden fencing when a gust of wind blew him off.
Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guarenteed. I have only done this once before.
--Actual want add from the Oakview (California) Gazette
A man on a water scooter on Lake Michigan was missing for two days when Coast Guard personnel finally located him on his scooter suffering from sunstroke and dehydration. The man hadn't had any water for two days, confusing the Coast Guard becuase Lake Michigan is a freshwater lake.
2月15日
Telemarketers May Not Actually Care How You Are Doing
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Late in the afternoon, the warm, cheery sound of a ringing telephone fills the home of San Diego housewife Sandy Morris. "How are you doing?" asks the caller, her voice calm and friendly on the line. Pleased with the caller's good-natured, neighborly inquiry into her well-being, Morris warms to the conversation, and the two women quickly establish a rapport. Before the conversation ends, Morris has agreed to purchase a two-year membership in BudgeTravel USA, a discount-airfare club, for $129.95.
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According to a controversial new study, telemarketers may only be inquiring about your well-being to help their chances of making a sale.
A typical suburban scene—or is it? According to a study released Monday by the Center For Marketing Ethics Research, a Colorado Springs consumer-advocacy group, telemarketers like the one Morris spoke to may not actually care how you are doing.
"Asking how the customer is doing creates a 'personal touch' that makes it more difficult and awkward for the person being called to hang up—it's that simple," CMER director Rupert Wardley said. "These people are not, as their employers would have you believe, actually interested in how the weather is where you are, or how your day is going, or any of the other conversational niceties with which they pepper their remarks upon initiating a telephone relationship with a potential customer. No matter how nice they seem, the fact remains that to them, the whole conversation is nothing more than a job. And it's a job with only one end goal—to make the sale."
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29826
(Click for the full article)
2月10日
Stupid Reactions
To Terrorism
In The USA
(Stupid Airline Passengers)
"On the face of things, terrorism is surely not a humorous topic. With this we concur. But there have been some stupid things done as a result of terrorism which prove the unquenchable American spirit.....and the consequent ability to turn something serious into something somewhat....silly."
After 9/11, airport security tightened. One might assume (with logic) that fewer passengers would attempt to bring certain items on board a plane.
This would be an incorrect assumption.
15,982 pocketknives, 98 boxcutters, 6 guns, and 1 brick ("I don't know why he was carrying a brick," said a spokesman for the Transportation Security Administration.)
1,072 clubs or bats, 3,242 banned tools, 2,384 flammable items (including a welding gun in Boise, Idaho), 20,581 sharp objects (such as scissors, ice picks, and meat cleavers), and 1 toy cannon made of live ammunition)
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A Medford, Oregon, man was running a little late for his flight, so he came up with a not-so-brilliant way to ensure his flight was delayed long enough for him to get onboard: He called in a bomb threat. After phoning America West headquarters with his faux threat, he wandered over the America West desk at the airport, asking about the flight....which was on its way back to the gate. The clerks got suspicious and called the police--so the man missed his flight after all and was held on outstanding unrelated criminal charges, not to mention for questioning by the FBI.
In a "credit due where credit is due" spirit, let us also make note of those overzealous airport security screeners--who certainly are doing their darndest, gol'durnit, to keep us safe from a wide range of possible threats, including:
Suspicious Item: airline captain's personal pocketknife
An airline captain had his pocketknife, which had a one-inch blade, confiscated at New York's La Guardia Airport before he boarded the Boeing 757 he was going to fly to Florida. Reason: He was told that, if he kept the knife, he might use it to gain control of an airplane.
Suspicious Item: vibrators (of the sexually stimulating sort)
In February 2002, while in a plane on the runway in Dallas, 36-year-old Renee Koutsouradis was paged over the loudspeaker, asked to deplane and accompany a Delta Airlines security guard to the tarmac. There was "something suspicious" in her bag, something that appeared to be vibrating. She told the guard waht she thought it was but was still asked to remove the item and hold it up for inspection. The item: a battery-operated sex toy she and her husband had bought while vacationing in Las Vegas--which she had apparently not switched off. According to the lawsuit she later filed against Delta, passengers on the plane saw her holding the item and began laughing at her; the three male Delta employees "began laughing hysterically" and made "obnoxious and sexually harassing comments." She is seeking unspecified damages on a number of counts, including intentional infliction of public humiliation.
Suspicious Item: teeny-tiny G.I. Joe plastic toy guns
Eager to stick to the letter of the law, airport security screeners have, regardless of size, seized toy guns, even though the guns in question are unlikely to be used in a hijack attempt. Two recent cases: Screeners at Los Angeles International Airport discovered a G.I. Joe doll in a British tourist's carry-on luggage and confiscated it....because the doll carried a two-inch rifle. Explained an LAX spokesman: "We have instructions to confiscate anything that looks like a weapon or a replica. If G.I. Joe was carrying a replica then it had to be taken from him." (Alert officials also asked if the doll came equipped with replica hand grenades, which they also wanted to confiscate.) Similarly, the screeners at the the Central Wisconsin Airport in Mosinee, Wisconsin, confiscated a G.I. Joe and the the larger four-inch rifle it carried.
Suspicious Item: breast milk
Security guards a JFK International Airport in New York were suspicious about three bottles of milk that a woman was carrying (along with her infant daughter). The woman explained that it was breast milk for her daughter and offered to put a bit on her arm and lick it off to prove it wasn't a dangerous substance. But the guards said she had to drink from all three bottles or she would not be allowed on the plane. As the woman explained, they said that "there could be explosives in the baby bottles, and I could throw something at the stewardessses." She was considering a lawsuit a lawsuit, saying, "It was very uncomfortable and very embarrassing and very disgusting."
Suspicious Item: spray cologne
A Saudi Arabian college student was was stopped at a security checkpoint at Philadelphia International Airport. His visa was fine, but security was worried about a container of liquid in his luggage. The student sprayed himself with the liquid, trying to show that it was merely cologne...but accidently also sprayed two security guards. A code-red hazardous-materials alert was issued, and local police, firefigters, and the FBI rushed to the scene. The guards were sent to a hospital for testing, and the emergency room was quarantined for three hours. A doughnut shop and a Rite Aid drugstore were also closed for forty-five minutes, after it was learned that two police officers had been to both after having come in contact with the "substance" when examining the bottle. The quarantines and the alert were lifted when the "unknown substance" was determined to be, indeed, cologne.
Suspicious Item: refillable lighters (but not disposable lighters)
On Christmas Day in the San Francisco Airport, a man was stopped at the security station. He had two cigarette lighters: a disposable Bic lighter and a refillable butane lighter that had been a gift from his wife. The security supervisor explained to him that the refillable lighter was not permitted. The Bic, however, was fine. After being told he had two choices--mailing the lighter to himself or having it confiscated, the man went outside and kept lighting the lighter until it was out of butane. He went back in line and again was told he couldn't bring the lighter, even empty, on the plane. He could, however, still bring the disposable lighter. The following day, he reached the chief of security, who explained that the lighter shouldn't have been confiscated and said he would try to get it back for him. The man described the lighter: brushed aluminum with a Mirage Casino logo. A few days later, he recieved a package in the mail containing a refillable butane lighter with a Mirage Casino logo....but it was black and gold.
Suspicious Item: mousetraps
Tampa airport screeners spotted a "very, very suspicious" object on their baggage-screening monitors and had a section of the airport evacuated for about forty-five minutes. A bomb squad was called in to remove the object form the suitcase. It was a moustrap inside a coffee can. 1月2日 
The Birds And The Bees
By Ellen Degeneres
Hardly a day goes by when somebody doesn't ask me, "Ellen, how can I explain sex to my children?" Unfortunately, it's always the same person who is asking me that question He's the man who runs the cheese shop I go to--Cheeses 'N' Things it's called(I've always been afraid to ask what the 'N' Things are). Anyway, this man's only child works in the store with him, is in his mid-twenties, and from the way he handles a sharp chedder, can probably explain more about sex to father than vice versa.
Whatever the case, I'm sure there are many other reasonably same people who are troubled by this problem. And the more childeren there are (and I'm not sure where these children are coming from), the more explaining about sex there is to be done.
By sex I mean, of course...sex. You know what I'm saying. There are many different types of sex, but for the purpose of this explanation I'm just talking about...you know, sex. In other words, you might have two consenting adults, a coconut, a pound of confetti, and very thristy yak. What they do may be very beautiful and spiritual and fulfilling, but it's not necessarily something you'd care to explain to a child. Okay, I think we've defined our terms, so let's get on with the explanation.
Ok then, what you've got to do is just explain sex simply and to the point. You just say, "When you get older you're going to meet somebody that you really, really, really like. Well, if you're lucky you're going to like that person. Maybe you don't even like 'em a lot, but at least they don't bug you too much. Or, okay, it's, let's say, closing time at the bar--it's really late and you've been knocking down quite a few Rusty Nails. And you know how the lighting is at those bars. I mean, everybody looks good. But then the next morning you look at the person next to you, and you're like, "Argghhhh! Help me!"
Maybe it's better to be a bit more allegorical. Tell a little story. You could say there's a Papa Bear and a Mama Bear. And the Mama Bear says, "Where is that Papa Bear? He hasn't been home in a long time. He says he's working late at he pretzel factory, but I don't believe that lying grizzly bastard." So she hires another bear to follow the Papa Bear--a Detective Bear (or, if you prefer, a detective goat--don't be afraid to add your own spin to the story).
Well, the Detective Bear shadows the Papa Bear for a week. Then he tells the Mama Bear that every night, after work, Papa Bear goes to the same hotel room in the Poconos. Well, Mama Bear decideds that she's going to give Papa Bear a big surprise. So, she goes to the hotel, kicks down the door, and there in the heart-shaped tub, sipping champagne, as naked as the day they were born are...No, this isn't a good way either.
There is a big fat queen bee, and she likes her honey. So, she's in her hive and all these male bees are just buzzing around saying "Oooo baby, I feel lucky tonight."
Or you take a big tub of butter, some milk, two or three eggs, a dash of vanilla...No, I'm sory, that's not sex, that's my recipe for French toast. At least I hope that's not sex.
You know, I think the best idea is just to let the child watch cable TV. Or go out and rent 9 1/2 Weeks. When I was in school, they showed us a sex education film about a boy calling up a girl on the phone and asking her out on a date. Nowadays, I'm sure they show 9 1/2 Weeks or something starring Sharon Stone.
So, in conclusion, that's how I would talk to a child about sex. I sincerely hope that I've been of help. Excuse me, but I've got to go for a short walk. All of sudden it has gotten very hot in here, and I've developed a craving for French toast.
12月20日
Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.
Click here for full article.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43438 12月17日
Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children
NORTH POLE—
Kristofer Kringle, an international toy distributor popularly known as "Santa Claus," approved elf-penned legislation Monday that grants greater benefits to often-neglected "special wants" children. "Old policies failed to reward the world's children for dreaming big, but no longer—children with special or unusual wants shall see them all fulfilled on Christmas morning," Kringle said, in an announcement met with strong support from parents of the developmentally entitled. "My children were all born with special wants," said Glenda Froman, mother of three. "After years of whiny suffering, they'll finally have their wish: Xbox 360s in every room, matching ponies, and a rocket-powered bicycle they're allowed to fly inside the house."
New Video Game Designed To Have No Influence On Kids' Behavior
NEW YORK— Electronic-entertainment giant Take-Two Interactive, parent company of Grand Theft Auto series creator Rockstar Games, released Stacker Tuesday, a first-person vertical-crate-arranger guaranteed not to influence young people's behavior in any way.
Click link for full story.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43441
12月9日
Fascinating Names of Cities
"Americans are a creative, as may be gathered from the names of some the cities, towns, and burgs in which we live. The following are all U.S. towns (however, not all of them are incorporated) and all are a bit...unusual..."
Taken from Unusually Stupid Americans By Kathryn Petras and Ross Petras
Alabama
Muck City
Alaska
Chicken
Arizona
Eek
Nowhere
Why
Arkansas
Blue Ball
Nimrod
Toad Suck
Wiener
California
Bummerville
Fruityland
Poopout Hill
Wimp
ZZYZX
Colorado
Dick
Hygiene
Delaware
Blue Ball
Florid
Two Egg
Georgia
Between
Climax
Santa Clause
Hawaii
Papa
Poopoo
Idaho
Bitch Creek
Bitch Lake
Illinois
Normal
Indiana
Gas City
Munster
Iowa
Diagonal
Ogle
Kentucky
Typo
Louisiana
Waterproof
Maine
Beans Corner Bingo
Maryland
Boring
Michigan
Hell
Podunk,
Minnesota
Embarass
Welcome
Mississippi
Arm
Dick
It
Missouri
Dick
Enough
Pecular
Useful
Montana
Offer
Two Dot
Nebraska
Bee
Worms
Nevada
Jackpot
New Jersey
Bivalve
New Mexico
Organ
Tingle
New York
Bitch Mountain
Result
Surprise
North Carolina
Duck
Meat Camp
Whynot
North Dakota
Zap
Ohio
River Styx,
Oklahoma
Pink
Oregon
Boring
Idiotville
Zigzag
Pennyslvania
Drab
Laboratory
Panic
South Carolina
Coward
South Dakota
Oral
Porcupine
Tennessee
Disco
Dismal
Finger
Static
Sweet Lips
Texas
Cut and Shoot
Ding Dong
Noodle
Oatmeal
Telephone
Wink
Utah
Virgin
Virginia
Assawoman
Fries
Washington
Index
George
Martha
West Virginia
Hoo Hoo
Man
Odd
Wisconsin
Embarass
Imalone
Ubet
12月1日 CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years
LANGLEY, VA-- A report released Tuesday by the CIA's Office of Inspector General revealed that the CIA has mistakenly obscured hundresd fo thousands of pages of critical intelligence information with black highlighters.
(For full story click on the link)
Sleazy Town Will Do Anything To Get On Map
Wheaton hams it up for the camera.
WHEATON, MN -- There was a time when small towns were known for decency and traditional virtues. Such is clearly not the case for the flagrantly self-promoting village fo Wheaton, MN. With it outdoor performing-arts series, new railroad museum, and freshly inaugurated county fair, Wheaton, MN population 1,755, has show that it will do anything for a little attention.
(Click link for full article.)
I will try to visit everyone's spaces today or tomorrow. Thanks for all your comments and I'll talk to you guys later!!!!
11月16日 The Devil's Dictionary
by Ambrose Bierce
 Hospitality n. : The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
Hypocrite n. : One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.
Idiot n. : A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but 'pervades and regulates the whole.' He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
Ignoramus n. : A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
Jealous adj. : Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
Justice n. : A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes, and personal service.
Kill v.t. : To creat a vacancy without nominating a successor.
Kleptomaniac n. : A rich theif.
Laughter n. : An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
Lawful adj. : Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
Lyre n. : An ancient instrument of torture. 11月5日 Contradictanyms-- words which have opposing meanings depending on the context in which they are used. For example, the word DUST can mean to add find particles (as in dust the cake with icing sugar) as well as to remove fine particles (as in dust the furniture). Other examples include:
You must BOLT the door.....or he will BOLT for the door
GARNISH that dish.....or I will GARNISH your earnings
Secure it with a BUCKLE.... or it will BUCKLE under the weight
Please SCREEN us from..... the film they are about to SCREEN
Though CRITICAL in his comments.... he was CRITICAL to our success
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You can see the stars are OUT.... once the lights are OUT
It is an everyday CUSTOM... to have suits CUSTOM-made
It was an OVERSIGHT.... to give him OVERSIGHT of the project
I will FIX the gate..... in order to FIX the race
Bind him FAST to prevent.... a FAST getaway
He was only a QUALIFIED success..... although he is fully QUALIFIED
11月3日 Waiting Rooms
By: Jerry Seinfeld
" I hate the waiting room because it's called the waiting room so there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up? And you sit there with your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it but you're really looking at other people. "I wonder what he's got." Then they finally call you, and you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not. You're going into the next smaller waiting room. Now you don't even have your magazine. You've got no pants on. You're looking at colon cancer brochures, peeking out the blinds.
But medically speaking, it's always good to be in a small room. You don't want to be in a large room. Have you ever seen these operating theaters that they have with stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, "Well, I have to see this. Are you kidding? Are they really going to do that? Are there seats? Can we get in?"
I wonder if they ever scalp tickets to an operation? "I've got two for the Winslow tumor, who needs two?"
(By the way, don't think I didn't see the scalp tickets-scalpel joke opportunity. I just passed. If you'd like to make one, be my guest.) "
 Real Funny Underage Advice
"Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to."
--Emily, age 10
"When Your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
--Taylia, age 11
"Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time."
-- Kyoyo, age9
"YOu can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-- Armir, age 9
"Stay away from prunes."
-- Randy, age 9
"Felt pens are not good to use as lipstick."
-- Lauren, age 9
"When you get a bad grade at school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
-- Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptise a cat."
-- Eileen, age 8
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
-- Michael, age 14
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac."
-- Andrew, age 9
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-- Naomi, age 15
"Don't squat with your spurs on."
-- Noronha, age 13
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-- Patrick, age 10
I just have to share this story with those who read my space. It's by a very talented girl over at: http://spaces.msn.com/members/attitudesong/
Stop by her space and take a look at some of her other stuff!!!
Quote
Tailgated's Revenge
Don't tell me you've never thought about doing something like this...
Fets, aka Scott Sanders, enjoyed driving fast. He enjoyed the wind and rain streaking the sleek finish of his Escalade. He enjoyed the feel of the tires beneath him, rumblng over the wet blacktop. What he did not enjoy was the large red pickup truck which had insisted upon riding his bumper for the last several miles over the narrow country road. Fets had just gotten back to the US after a week abroad-- a very stressful week, a week literally spent dodging bullets-- and the last threads of his patience were fraying.
Several glances in the mirror assured him that a civilian was behind the wheel, not an undercover cop or an assassin. The guy was one of those large, dense, hairy men in a cap bearing the legend of a bank which had gone out of business five years ago. Beneath the cap was a mullet, and beneath the mullet was a sour, doughy face. Even as Fets glanced back, the guy crept closer to his rear bumper.
Suddenly Fets threw on his brakes. His vehicle screamed to a halt, leaving black marks behind him as it fishtailed sideways. The redneck also managed to stop his pickup, although not before putting a dent in the side of the ghostly-white Escalade.
Fets stepped out of his car, a tall man in a long coat and black gloves. Headlights shimmered off the mirror lenses of his sunglasses, which he wore rain or shine. He could hear the redneck cursing him.
Although the rain was steaming off small tongues of flame dancing around him, Fets was smiling, showing all his teeth. The cursing stopped abruptly. The redneck had time for the confused, half-formed thought Devil? before Fets raised his Glock and fired three times at the windshield of the truck. Glass exploded. Upholstry from the passenger seat tore out in big, smoking puffs. The redneck screamed and cowered down behind his steering wheel. Fets began to laugh. He had not been aiming for the guy.
The redneck did not come out when he heard Fets’ door slam. He waited until the sound of the Escalade’s engine had died away. Then he took his cellphone from his belt and dialed 911.
The police told him that the license number did not exist. They told him he must be mistaken, after all, that afternoon had been rainy and misty, and all the excitement must have caused him to mis-read the plate. Quite a common happenstance, they told him. They would look for a white Escalade with the door dented in, though. Of course. And they would tell him if they found a suspect.
*
Unlike the redneck, Fets had the luxury of forgetting the incident almost the moment it was over. He knew his plates would come up nil…nobody would bother to trace them, and if they did they would run against a firewall.
According to the US government, Fets did not exist. Scott Sanders did, but Mr. Sanders could never afford a new Escalade on his electrician’s salary, let alone hand it to the good people at McKinney’s Auto Repair and order the door fixed by lunch-break. They would do it, too. Fets was known for casually leaving hundred-dollar tips. He dropped them at mechanic shop, barber shop, restaurant, whenever he was pleased or feeling generous. Never mind that he would probably trade the Escalade for a new toy within six months, he liked to have his possessions in prime condition.
Sanders was the kind of guy who would be lucky to see a hundred dollars in his wallet at once.
As soon as he walked into the Wiglap, Wiglap and Johnston law firm, Scott was hailed by the receptionist. She was a pretty creature with several pencils stuck in her coiled brown hair instead of chopsticks. Their sharpened points radiated above her head, while soft erasers caressed her neck if she leaned her head back.
“A lot came up over the last few days, Mr. Sanders. Seems like when you leave, problems crop up.”
“Do tell.” Sanders was an amiably goofy-looking man whose nose and chin and hands were too big, whose orange hair stuck out in all directions, who occasionally ducked when a ceiling fan came on above him, as if he might think a helicopter was landing. The scruff on his chin was so sparse it barely qualified as stubble. The receptionist thought it looked more like peach-fuzz. Sanders was cute in a dorky-younger-cousin way.
“The air conditioning on the eleventh floor conference room won’t work. Someone complained that the lights in one of the halls on eight are flickering. They didn’t specify, so you’ll have to find that yourself.”
“Joy. Anything else?”
“Yes. Lee, the janitor, said the light in the supply closet doesn’t come on. He was angry because he can’t find his mop in the dark.”
Scott picked up his tool-kit and went to fix whatever was wrong. He had barely finished Lee’s closet when the overhead pager went off. “Will Mister Sanders report to Edward Ludtz’s office.”
He obeyed the summons, although it was never Sanders’ presence Ludtz wanted. Sanders was below Ludtz’ notice. Edward was a cohort of Fets, although he worked up in a lawyer’s office. He wore tailored suits instead of an electrician’s uniform with the name stitched in front. He was good-looking, with wavy blonde hair, glacial blue eyes, and chiseled features. Though he was sitting behind his desk, he somehow managed to look down his nose at Fets as he came in.
The two men on either side of the desk regarded Fets neutrally. He recognized the first as the man in charge of PR for WW&J (and all government operations therein); and off the WW&J record, his and Edward’s superior. The second was the company psychiatrist, with whom Fets had a long-standing feud. Fets was not alarmed. They were probably here to debrief him and Edward about a new mission.
Edward said, “Fets, Mr. Grayson, our PR manager, recently had to cover up a strange incident involving a man with sparks of fire snapping off his clothes, who fired on a civilian vehicle. 11月2日
The Devil's Dictionary
By Ambrose Bierce
A few words from this humorous book
Abasement (n.): A decent and customary mental attitude in the prescence of wealth and power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.
Abscond (v.): To 'move in a mysterious way,' commonly with the property of another.
Battle (n.): A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
Begger (n.): One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.
Calamity (n.): A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
Corporation (n.): An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibilities.
Destiny (n.): A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
Discriminate (v.): To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
Egotist (n.): A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Exile (n.): One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
Forgetfulness (n.): A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Friendless (adj.): Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to the utterance of truth and common sense. 11月1日 Bush To Appoint Someone To Be In Charge Of Country
WASHINGTON, DC—In response to increasing criticism of his handling of the war in Iraq and the disaster in the Gulf Coast, as well as other issues, such as Social Security reform, the national deficit, and rising gas prices, President Bush is expected to appoint someone to run the U.S. as soon as Friday.
10月30日  Toasts
"To our sweethearts and our wives-may they never meet..."
"Here's to the good time I must of had..."
"To champagne-a drink that makes you see double and feel single."
"Here's to that moment of sweet repose
When it's cheek to cheek and nose to nose
For after that moment of sublime delight
It's fanny to fanny for the rest of the night."
"So here's to ______, Always remember that you are unique....just like everyone else."
"Champagne to my real friends, and real pain to my sham friends."
"May your wedding days be few and your anniversaries many."
"I drink to your health when I'm with you, I drink to your health when I'm alone. I drink to your health so gosh-darn much, I'm afraid I'm losing my own."
"Here's to you and here's to me, friends may we always be! But, if by chance we disagree, up yours and here's to me!"
Showoff Pallbearer Carries Casket By Himself.
The Onion: America's Finest News Source!
Trick-Or-Treaters To Be Subject To Random Bag Searches..
WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to "a possible threat of terror and fright," Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced Monday that trick-or-treaters will be subject to random bag searches this Halloween season.
10月27日
Would You
Rather....
Okay, here's the deal. You have two sets of questions set out before you. You can only pick one. No cheating! This means you cannot alter the question to suit your needs. You must pick one as is.
A) Have to always enter your car from the passenger door?
B) Have to always eat standing up?
A) Be invisible?
B) Be able to fly?
A) As a 25 year old, forget your entire childhood to age 15?
of the last five years?
A) Discover that your perfect match (soul mate) is someone other than the person you've married and get to meet him/her?
B) Marry someone you love but never meet you perfect match (soul mate) at all?
A) Have no skin sensations (be completely numb to touch)?
B) Have super-hypersensitive skin that feels everything ten times more intensly?
A) Fill a large pail with beach sand using only your mouth?
B) Chew and swallow one pound of raw seaweed or kelp?
A) If your life depended on it, have to try and take apart a computer and reassemble it?
B) A car engine?
A) Be seperated from your family (parents, siblings, children) and never see them again?
B) Live with them for the rest of your life in a two-bedroom house?
A) Have questionable integrity?
B) Or no sense of humor?
A) Sleep in a human-sized nest in a tree?
B) Or in a burrow underground?
A) Have a little red blinking light in the lower corner of your vision?
B) Have a constant pinging in your ear?
A) Be left completely naked with no possessions in a foreign country?
B) In your place of work?
A) Go to your high school reunion a multimillionare but 200 pounds overweight?
B) Poor but in perfect shape?
A) Get stood up for your high school prom?
B) Take a date you dreamt of to the prom and have him/her leave with someone else?
A) Date someone who talks to loudly?
B) Someone who looks like they are constantly staring?
A) Laugh when you should cry and cry when you should laugh?
B) Never be able to do either?
 Check out the book Zobmondo which was created by Randy Horn for more questions like these.
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